Jamie Spazz
by Saltwater
Summary: With an almighty roar, Harry ripped off his robes like the hulk, and threw the table away, before chasing after her again. "Die you evil, backstabbing Man-Child!"


Annoyed to death

I'm doing this fic to get my creative juices flowing again. I'm having trouble writing my other story's, and I don't know why. So I'm writing this idiotic little fic to get me back into the swing of things.

I have just added a random into the story as if she was there the whole time. In the same year as Harry and co. of course. I'm probably only gonna do one chapter, seeing as this is completely and utterly pointless. In fact, I don't even know what's going to happen at this point. I'm making it up as I go.

p.s

- I don't know what year they're in

- My name is _not_ Jamie, though I did _accidentally _inserted myself into her character, as all good Mary-sues do. (for instance, I am a bit of a retard, and I have actually retaliated the way she did in the first paragraph)

- And I apologies greatly to all who are mentally and emotionally scared by this magnificent artwork.

p.p.s

I refuse to believe Sirius is dead. I am in denial and I demand that he is alive. I DEMAND!

I just thought I might tell you, even though it has no relation with the story…I don't think…

p.p.s.s. or p.p.p.s

It actually starts of kinda normally. It doesn't get spastic till a bit after the time-travel part, so don't give up on me and leave before that part.

p.p.p.s.s or p.p.p.p.s

…does anyone know what that stands for?

p.s………

personal sacrifice?

Pompous suit?

Pumpkin soup?

Phat Shlums?

…ooh, I like that one…

* * *

"Urgh! I HATE that man!" Jamie said, plonking herself on the best couch in the common room and chucking her books on the floor. "I _loath_ him with a vengeance!" she took off her robe, which was considerably hard to do since she was sitting down, and threw it on top of her bag. Sitting in her jeans and T-shirt (see, she's not naked!) she took off her shoes and socks and added them to the pile on the floor. Harry sat on the couch opposite her.

"Well I think he had a reason to take points away this time." Hermione said, sitting on the couch next to Harry. "And every other time, when it comes to you." She added in an undertone.

Jamie glared at her. "I heard that." She pulled out a rubber duck from the folds of the couch and chucked it at Hermione's head. It hit her, bounced off, and landed onto the ever growing pile on the floor.

"Hermione has a point you know." Harry said pointedly.

"Aw, c'mon! All I did was retaliate against him!" Jamie said, swinging her legs over one of the armrests of the couch, and leaning her head on the other.

Harry snorted. "Yeah, by standing next to your seat when he asked us to stand behind it."

"And besides, that's not why he took 40 points off us and gave you a detention." Hermione said. "He did _that_ because you wouldn't stop giggling. I don't think Snape even realized you were 'retaliating'."

At that moment, Neville walked by and tripped on the evil chunk of stuff on the floor. His wand fell out of his pocket, and a mini purple nuclear explosion…exploded.

Everyone ignored him.

"Oooooow! My beautiful face!" he said, clawing at the gunk on his beautiful face. "Help! _Hellllp!"_ when nobody helped him, he got up and rushed to the toilet to rid himself of the vile purple crap.

None were there to see an evil looking rubber duck stumble out of Jamie's shoe and hobble off in a daze.

Nobody saw.

Nobody realized.

"Ah well, shit happens. And when fate gives you lemons, you put them in the fridge for later use."

Harry and Hermione ignored Jamie, by now used to such retarded comments.

"Hey Hermit, can I borrow that mini black dress of yours?" Jamie asked "You know, the one with the holey-thing at the front that exposes your cleavage? Remember? That anonymous person sent it to you last Christmas! You see, I have this date thing on soon, and since you and I are the same size I thought I could borrow it... Hello… I'm talking to you… Hermy… Mia?…" she waved a hand in front of Hermione's face.

Hermione looked up startled. "Are you talking to _me?_"

"No Hermy-own, I'm talking to Ron" she answered sarcastically "…where is that boy anyway?"

"Since when have you started mauling my name?"

Jamie shrugged. "About 15 seconds ago?"

All of a sudden, Jamie was sucked back in time and landed on top of Sirius.

"OW! Oh man, my head!" Sirius said, sitting up and rubbing his head. They both stood up. "Hey, where did you come…?" Sirius began, before he was interrupted by me…I mean Jamie.

"Wow!" she said and started circling him, eyeing him in a predatory way. "hmm, interesting…"

"Uh…are you ok?"

She finished circling him and they stood face to face.

"Oh, I'm fine." Jamie said silkily. She grabbed him by the front of his collar and dragged him off to the boy's dormitory. She shut and locked the door.

"wha- who are you?" came Sirius's muffled voice through the door. "And why aren't you wearing any shoes? Hey, do you…what? No, stop! STOP! ARGH! Get off me!... that's- OI! That's my _shirt _you just ripped! Do you mind? _Eeek!_" there were quick footsteps heading towards the door, before some dull banging and scraping. "Let me out! NOOOOOOO!" something heavy was being dragged across the room. "Save Me! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…"

20 minutes later

James, Remus and Peter walked into the boy's dorm (stupid locks…) to find Sirius huddled in the corner, hugging his knees and muttering to himself. A girl was sitting on his bed smiling happily.

"Sirius, anyone new in your life you haven't told us about?" James asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Jamie as she finished buttoning her shirt.

"… the rowboat and I'll row into the clouds where Barnie the Dinosaur lives! Then I'll be happy…"

Jamie stood up and presented herself.

"Hi, I'm Jamie." She smiled, extending her hand.

"…for ever and ever…"

"I'm James" she shook his hand.

"…and ever, and ever…"

"I'm Remus" she shook his hand too, as opposed to eating it, while James went over to see what was wrong with Sirius.

"…happy, happy, happ- hey! Get away from me, your ruining my happy!"

"Ow!" James exclaimed. "He bit me!"

Ignoring them, Jamie turned towards Peter, before realizing who he was. "And I'm-" but before he could finish, she attacked him. She grabbed his head and smashed it into the wall twice, before kneeing him in the stomach and dropping into an attacking stance. She did a whole lot of complicated moves that your puny minds couldn't comprehend even if I told you, with a strength that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would be proud of. (She was black belt, 9th dan in karate you see, and I don't care if that's highly improbable at her age) before being forced to stop, as she had broken her nail.

She pulled her hair into a neat bun and kicked Peter again for good measure.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?" Remus shouted, extremely angry at her.

"Hey! Don't get angry at me for having fun!"

"But you beat up Peter!"

"_Excuuuuse_ _me!?_ I didn't see_ you_ trying to stop me!"

"I couldn't!"

"Why not?"

"Plot reasons."

"Oh, that's right."

There was a pregnant pause.

Then the pause started giving birth. It was a long and horrible labor, but when it finished, it walked away happily, a little tiny pause in its arms.

Just then a girl with almost gold hair and matching gold hoop earrings, tanned skin, and who was surprisingly short for a twenty-something year old, walked into the room.

"I'm currently in the middle of an apocalypse, but I thought I should tell you that I've read all the books, and trust me, he deserved that." And with that, she kicked him, turned around and walked away.

"Good for her." Jamie said. And then she was sucked back to the future.

* * *

"But oh Unholy One!" Womy-poo pleaded "how will I get away with it! They will know it's me, and I'll be killed for sure!"

"Hmm, that could pose a problem." Moldywart said "Since I care so much for you're well being."

They both sat and contemplated it for a moment.

"Well, you could blame it on another of you little friends…"

"Oh yeah!" Tapeworm said "This one time, at band camp…I mean, when we were still at school, Sirius bit James!"

"ah-HA! Such folly that puny pimple showed! I will surly rule the world now!"

* * *

"Oh my _gosh!_ The Potters have been killed!" Sirius exclaimed.

"They must have been betrayed by someone to Voldemort." Dumbledore said gravely.

"It was Sirius!" Remus shouted, pointing at his best friend.

"What? No it wasn't! I was in Hawaii at that time!"

"Yes it was! It must have been you! Remember that one time when you bit James?"

Dumbledore tutted. "It's off to Azkaban for you Sirius!"

Meanwhile, Wormshit cackles away in the background.

* * *

"But you said it yourself; you _said_ you killed them!" Harry said madly, pointing his wand at an undernourished Sirius.

"No, I said I as good as killed them. You see, there was this one time at school when I bit James…"

* * *

She landed on the floor with a thud. Standing up and rubbing her rump (hee hee, rump), Jamie walked past a group of evil looking rubber ducks and sat in her previous spot. Or at least tried to. As soon as she sat down, there was an almighty squeak, and she was pushed of the couch. Angry, she picked up the offending rubber duck and threw it against the wall. It hobbled off squeaking.

"What's with the ducks?" She asked as she sat back on the couch.

"I dunno." Harry said, shrugging. "But I'm pretty sure it's your fault."

"…Meh."

"Where did you go?" Hermio…erm Hermy-titty asked. "I mean, one minute we were talking about my name, and the next, poof! You disappeared!"

"Oh, well, I was sucked back in time." Jamie replied casually. "I kinda landed on this guy."

"ooh, was he cute?" Hershmert asked in a bloodthirsty and completely un-Hermione like way. "You have to tell me everything that happened!"

"Everything?"

"YES!"

"Okay. Well, I landed on this really hot guy. He was tall and dark and handsome and…and… so I took him to the boy's dormitory!" The two girls squealed manically for a period of time, before they continued talking.

Harry tuned out. He sat and looked around the room absently while they talked about how she 'ravished' him.

"…come to think of it, his friends were called Remus, James and Peter…"

Harry stiffened at this.

"But I think they called him Simon."

He relaxed. Ok, Simon is definitely not…

"No. No, they called him Sirius. Oh……oops?"

There was a stunned silence as Harry and Jamie stared at each other.

Hermit-crab smartly backed away.

Suddenly Jamie screamed girlishly (which is excused, since she _is_ a girl) and ran, just as Harry started chasing her. She ran behind a table and Harry stopped on the other side. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!" she whined piteously. Harry ran to the side that Jamie was on, as she ran to the opposite.

"Harry, c'mon. It was in the past!... and he was just so damn hot!" With an almighty roar, Harry ripped off his robes like the hulk, and threw the table away, before chasing after her again.

"meep!" Jamie picked up a pillow and threw it at Harry. It slowed him down for, like, half a second before he sped after her with even more fury. To try and protect herself, she threw random objects at him. These objects included a shoe, a sock, a pair of underwear, a toilet seat, and (by accident of course) Professor McGonagall.

"Aaaahhh!"

"Sorry Professor!" she shouted over her shoulder as she ran.

Harry growled angrily as the professor landed in his arms, and threw her over his shoulder, _without_ apologizing I might add.

"Kids these days don't have _any _manners…" Professor McGonagall complained like the old woman she was, as she flew out the window.

Harry howled something unintelligible (sounded kinda like; Harshlabligmoshverlkivy!!!) and pounded after Jamie on all fours, knocking down tall buildings as he went.

Jamie ran, and ran, and ran, until she reached…the door.

Bum bum BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!!!!!!!!

ok… that's way lame and over the top.

Bob: oh yeah,'cause everything else in this chapter was _normal_, and _down to earth!_ Mmm-hmm girlfriend!

OI! You can't say that! You have to be …African American (no discrimination intended) and of the female species to have the right to say that!

Bob: who are _you_ to talk?

The author of this story.

Bob:…………_Mmm-hmmm girlfriend!_

Shut your face, you don't even exist! I have control over every aspect of your life! I created you! And as such, I am your God!

Bob: if you have such control, then how come I'm still rebelling?

Oh my… I've lost control of this story! Aaaahhh! The purple spotted monkeys from Never Never Land have come to take over my life! ::runs off into the distance, Bubbles, the head monkey, attached to her left arm::

Bob: and besides, I _am_ a girl. My name is actually Boberina. So there! sticks out her tongue

Boberina promptly vanishes and we can all get on with the story now.

Ok, so Jamie reached the great hall, and Harry was still as mad at her as every!

"How could you, you backstabbing fiend?!" he picked up a table and threw it at her.

All of a sudden the hall went silent, as everyone watched the confrontation. Miraculously, all the teachers in the room seemed to have evaporated (and then condensed and then turned into droplets and finally fell as rain in Australia), except for Dumbledore, who sat in the corner with his best friend Gandalf. They sucked on their pipes and watched on with amusement.

Jamie slowly turned to Harry, her violet eyes glowing bright. (which matched her sleek black hair that shined a pretty violet colour when the light hit it.) The laws of nature suddenly changed, and the wind came out of the floor, making her hair blow upwards in a highly impressive manner. She started gathering her power, ready for a strike (must be PMS) when Harry, realized her power, excepted the fact that she was superior to him, and backed down.

All of another sudden, Malfoy popped up!

"You think you're so great and powerful just 'cause you can command nature!" he said in his stupid little accent, and pulled his lips down into a 'scowl' that made him look like my goldfish, Blobby. "Well you got another thing coming!" he pulled out his magical wand and pointed it at her. He waited a couple of second so that Jamie's bad acting skills could tell her that yes, Malfoy was pointing a wand at her, and yes, this was her line.

Then she said the most original line ever. "Don't even bother _ferret boy!" _

He 'scowled' so much that the bottom of his lips poked off his face and he started looking like a Muppet. Then he waved his wand and said "Rictesempra!" (Sure, it's actually a tickling charm, but it made Harry go buy-buy in the 2nd movie, didn't it?)

Jamie waved her arm and made a shield around herself. (obviously she forgot to take out her wand, and the directors were forced to work with that.)

"grrr" she said, and got very angry.

Then the wind began blowing again, and a mini thunderstorm formed in the great hall as she floated up into the air. Her hair was blowing around her even more impressively than before. It whipped and curled around her skimpily-clad self (she was now wearing a mini skirt that was about two inches long but somehow didn't blow up to show her undies and a tight white T-shirt with a tie…her improvisation of the uniform I guess.) her hair was about double her body length, and seemed to have a mind of it's own. It blew around her and caressed her long limbs almost lovingly.

Then the police came and put it in jail for sexual harassment, but no-one noticed.

She pulled out a long pole-y thing with a crescent moon on it, and waved it on a circle around her. "Sailor Moooooon!" she called out, and all of a sudden, Malfoy was a pink and green striped ferret.

He scuttled away.

"You there, you can't do that!" Mad Eye Moody said. "You have to say the proper incantation!"

She turned him into a ferret too.

A little girl with blond hair skipped into the room, holding her grinning Cheshire cat that wasn't grinning. She picked up the fluorescent yellow ferret with the fat eye.

"Help me!" the cat whispered, but the girl just squished it harder and popped away into the land of her deranged dreams.

Then Jamie fell down and the sky was a periwinkle blue again. She landed straight into Professor Lupin's arms. He handled her as if she were made of China, then realized that china was actually a pretty big country, and handled her normally.

She gripped onto his robes as if they were a lifeline and began sobbing.

Then everyone in the hall ran off to play a big game of Hide-and-seek, or Tip, as I call it. (As in, Tip! You're in!)

"What's wrong?" Harry asked, kneeling down next to Lupin.

Jamie sniffed. "it's just that…ever since papa left, and mamma died, I had to raise my sister all on my own. We had no-where to go and we wandered the streets, steeling in order to keep alive, 'cause we were to stupid to go to an orphanage! It was hard living in old time London. Luckily we met up with Oliver Twist, and we had heaps of adventures together, before we split up. I went one way, and he went the other. One day, we collapsed in some forest, and fairies found us and took us in. we had this little puppy that was exactly the same shade as Malfoy's eyes, and when he got angry at me, all these memory's just flooded baaaack! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! The blu-ish/ green-ish/ silver-ish/ gray-ish colour was just like my puppy's soft, cuddly fuuuuurrr. MY PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then she stood up (wearing her jeans and T-shirt again) and walked away, her shoulder length hair not doing much at all.

A couple of seconds later, she began skipping and singing 'I'm a little Teapot' a slightly dazed expression on her face. Everyone in the whole world came into the room and joined her, dancing along in perfect unison, and blobbed their way out of the room. (There aren't all that many moves you can pull when singing about teapots.)

"That's one amazing girl." Remus said.

"I know," Harry answered. "I know."

And they walked out.

* * *

4 hours later 

Gandalf: Maaaaaan…..this weed is goooood….

Dumbledore: I know…

Gandalf: …

Dumbledore: ………………rubber ducks are taking over my school…….

Gandalf: …

Dumbledore: …

Gandalf:………………………………………………………………………………….I know man………………..

Dumbledore:…

Gandalf: …

Dumbledore: …

Gandalf: …

Dumbledore: …

Gandalf: …wow! Check that out!… the ceiling! It's like… working…

Dumbledore: …::takes another puff from his pipe and looks amused::

* * *

well…how was it?

I'm quite proud of it actually, so if you're gonna flame it, be sure to leave your e-mail address. grins evilly

**Disclaimer:**

I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, then I'd be so rich and powerful, that I wouldn't need a disclaimer.

I also don't own Buffy the Vampire slayer, American Pie, The Hulk, Never Never Land and Bubbles (Michael Jackson does), Lord of the Rings, the saying _ferret boy, _Muppets, Sailor Moon, Alice in Wonderland, Oliver Twist or Mary-Sues.

Oh, and I don't own Boberina either, as much as I wish I did. My sister invented her on one of our sugar induced spazzes.

I _do_ however own Boberic, Blobby and some weed…

::is poked in the head with a pen by her lawyer::

What?

Lawyer: ::looks at Kat pointedly::

sighs Fine. I don't own China either!

Lawyer: ::nods, scribbles something on a clipboard, and walks away::

…the important things that happen to me…


End file.
